Caffeine.....withdrawal

it’s a little known fact, but caffeine didn’t exist before the early 1500’s. in fact many of the plants we have today didn’t exist then. you see back in those days in it was a virtual garden of eden in the ‘new world’. the only thing people here ate was maize & badgers. but then came the europeans. when the europeans saw this ‘new world’ they decided that it had to go, but first they were going to strip-mine the entire western hemisphere, just to make sure they got all the gold. now this made our leafy neighbors worried (well, as worried as non-sentient life can be). so they started furiously creating new chemical compounds in an olympic effort of darwinism. some of our chlorophyll filled friends went the route of making themselves desired, for example oranges & cantaloupe. due to their campaign of good taste we get along famously. they grow peacefully in our selective breeding programs & we in turn voraciously consume their young.
but not all vegative matter has taken such altruistic paths, some have much more sinister plans for sustained survival. Their nefarious fibrous scientists producing addictive chemicals to enslave the human race, nicotine & caffeine are two prime examples of these dark intents. at one point in time tobacco & the ‘caffeine consortium’ were allies, tobacco would control the northern hemisphere while south of the equator would belong to the ‘caffeine consortium’, however in recent time the caffeine producing plants have decided that all of humanity & the earth should be their domain. using their media juggernaut, the ‘caffeine consortium’ has waged a smear campaign against tobacco. if nothing is done to stop this, tobacco may soon become extinct. and when you couple this with the rate of discovery & implementation of the dark caffeinated plans the entire human race will become enslaved zombies by the year 2137. in fact global warming is part of the ‘caffeine consortiums’ plans to colonize the entire planet & extend the growing season!