why is everyone so serious?

Lately I’ve been feeling incredibly socially inept. Like a third wheel everywhere I go. Conversations frequently feel contrived & repetitive, and I don’t feel it’s others, but me. I’m not sure why this is, but it’s been bothering me for sometime now. Now before everyone jumps in with the ‘be yourself & don’t worry’ lines, that is NOT the issue, I’ve never made excuses for who I am, and never worried about public opinion. Or have I started? I’m sick of the same conversation over & over again. I don’t have the energy for it, but my mind feels like it’s rotting maybe from too much alcohol, maybe too much age. I think I need to get some more schooling, that helped last time my mind was rotting. Again with the hands & brain getting un-synced.

But anyhow, conversations are feeling more & more hollow, I’m not sure why. all the jokes have been told & everything witty has been said. Rehashing it again with new people seems pointless. Intellect seems to be falling from the humor as well. I like smart humor, humor that cleverly turns a conversation back upon itself. An ebb & flow, give & take. It takes time too develop this repartois with someone. It’s a form of personal performance art where the only necessary elements are you & whomever you are speaking with. I like my humor too call on current events & past histories as sources. Bring in science when necessary. I want my head spinning so I have to get off the ride to keep from falling over. I miss it, it’s not happening nearly as often as it used to, people are settling for one liners stated & forgotten. There used to be references in conversations the way the beatles references prior albums & songs. Am I remembering wrong, were the references to Athena all in my head? (that hurt I know, it’ll all be over soon my darlings, just close your eyes, relax. pretend you are somewhere, anywhere, but here) is this my nostalgia for an era that never existed? Was it drugs? (many of you are nodding here, I can tell, problem is I wasn’t on drugs aside from alcohol) was my mind fresher, lacking the brain worms? Is the humor swirling around and I’m just not getting it? Now I’m not saying all humor has left, it just seems I used to laugh more.

-De